Conflicted

It's certainly been a long time since I posted something. I'm more into the facebook scene at the moment. Frankly, it's faster and a lot easier with the lack of time I have between college and everything else i'm juggling right now. Something i've never really flaunted on my blog is the fact that I am adopted. It's not a really that big a deal to me, it never really has been. It has always been a part of my life, something that defines me, but I never really think about it. At least, I hadn't. My parents always told me I was adopted and they always made sure to tell me how much my birth mother loved me and that she would find me one day. Well a few months ago I found her. It was exciting and the journey we're all on right now with creating a relationship and getting to know each other has been mostly good, but it has also been somewhat stressful recently. It has NEVER been my goal to replace my parents with my birth mother. As she stated before, she gave me life but they gave me the opportunity to live that life. Obviously i've been really excited about everything to do with this. I now have a brother and a sister, and so far I have a really good relationship with my birth mother, but that doesn't mean she replaces my parents. I have a good relationship with them too and I love them. They raised me, they will ALWAYS be my parents. I'm having a hard time lately because I want everybody to be happy and that's been really difficult. I understand my parents views and them feeling scared and left out. I don't try to make them feel that way. I love them and I miss them so much right now with college and all, but I guess it's easy to get caught up and take them for granted. Yes i've been excited about my birth mother and the prospect of another visit but up until yesterday I didn't realize how all my excitement effects everyone else.I was telling my boyfriend Ethan, about more of my plans to visit and he responded with the statement "You know you're replacing your current parents right?" I have to admit that hit hard. I was literally speechless. I've never planned on replacing them and i don't ever want to. He then proceeded to tell me how I always talk about my birth mother or my siblings and how I apparently do it to my parents too. I'm struggling with this so bad right now. Yes I love my birth mother and my siblings, yes we're close, but that doesn't mean I love my parents any less or want to replace them. I don't cry for my birth mother, when I get homesick I sit in my dorm and  cry because I want my mommy and daddy, the people who raised me. I hope that they see that and realize i'm not replacing them... there's no possible way for me to explain it other than that i'm not replacing them and sometimes the words aren't enough. I love both of my families and I just wish everyone could be happy at once. I wish that for once I could do things right and things could just be ok. I wish I wasn't so conflicted and I wish I could fix everything in one instant.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYBODY! HOPE IT'S WONDERFUL! :)

Not a failure, maybe just a delay

Hey guys, over the summer I promised i'd be back, and I guess i've sort of failed with that. I'm not even going to try to promise myself or you that i'll start posting regularly. Being home was hectic enough to schedule posting, but now that i'm in college, I really don't have much time. It's such a different experience, my parents still help and I talk to them on an almost daily basis, but i'm still really on my own. I'm getting to know my room mates (who really aren't all that bad) and get into the swing of things. I'm loving the new found freedom but classes are hard and it gets lonely sometimes.. So for now I'm going to be focusing on trying to do better in my classes and focus on college, i'll be back some day and i'm still reading blogs and commenting, but for now I guess it's see you later :)

Happy Fourth Yall

Myrtle Beach

It's Official!

It's official. I am finally a high school graduate. It's strange to think that I won't be walking through those halls anymore. That i'm finally done. 4 years come and gone just flow by. They really were some of the best and worst years of my life.

Graduation already?!

The past four years have been some of the most interesting years of my life. I remember the first day of high school like it was yesterday. I remember being terrified, not wanting to leave my middle school and my friends. I also remember thinking, one day i'm going to be walking across that stage at graduation thinking back on this day and now i'm almost there. I've changed so much throughout high school. I've made a lot of new friends, tried new things, and i'd like to think i've become  better person. I told myself that high school wasn't a big deal, that when it was over i'd be glad and I wouldn't care, but man, here I am trying not to cry. I think deep down I really will miss all my buddies and some of the cool teachers. It's really surreal to look back on my four years, they just flew by and I can't believe it's over. It's bittersweet. Lookout world, here I come!