Conflicted

It's certainly been a long time since I posted something. I'm more into the facebook scene at the moment. Frankly, it's faster and a lot easier with the lack of time I have between college and everything else i'm juggling right now. Something i've never really flaunted on my blog is the fact that I am adopted. It's not a really that big a deal to me, it never really has been. It has always been a part of my life, something that defines me, but I never really think about it. At least, I hadn't. My parents always told me I was adopted and they always made sure to tell me how much my birth mother loved me and that she would find me one day. Well a few months ago I found her. It was exciting and the journey we're all on right now with creating a relationship and getting to know each other has been mostly good, but it has also been somewhat stressful recently. It has NEVER been my goal to replace my parents with my birth mother. As she stated before, she gave me life but they gave me the opportunity to live that life. Obviously i've been really excited about everything to do with this. I now have a brother and a sister, and so far I have a really good relationship with my birth mother, but that doesn't mean she replaces my parents. I have a good relationship with them too and I love them. They raised me, they will ALWAYS be my parents. I'm having a hard time lately because I want everybody to be happy and that's been really difficult. I understand my parents views and them feeling scared and left out. I don't try to make them feel that way. I love them and I miss them so much right now with college and all, but I guess it's easy to get caught up and take them for granted. Yes i've been excited about my birth mother and the prospect of another visit but up until yesterday I didn't realize how all my excitement effects everyone else.I was telling my boyfriend Ethan, about more of my plans to visit and he responded with the statement "You know you're replacing your current parents right?" I have to admit that hit hard. I was literally speechless. I've never planned on replacing them and i don't ever want to. He then proceeded to tell me how I always talk about my birth mother or my siblings and how I apparently do it to my parents too. I'm struggling with this so bad right now. Yes I love my birth mother and my siblings, yes we're close, but that doesn't mean I love my parents any less or want to replace them. I don't cry for my birth mother, when I get homesick I sit in my dorm and  cry because I want my mommy and daddy, the people who raised me. I hope that they see that and realize i'm not replacing them... there's no possible way for me to explain it other than that i'm not replacing them and sometimes the words aren't enough. I love both of my families and I just wish everyone could be happy at once. I wish that for once I could do things right and things could just be ok. I wish I wasn't so conflicted and I wish I could fix everything in one instant.